Life Transitions: Conversations When Your Teen is Turning Eighteen

Moving from Teen Years to Adulthood

Life transitions are monumental.  They punctuate time and people feel all sorts of anticipation about the changes to come (excitement, anxiety, fear…). As Psychiatric Nurse Practitioners, we spend time with families as they move through different phases in life, we get to hear it all.  One life transition that is punctuated for both parents and teens, is the move from seventeen to eighteen.  What I find is that while both parties see it coming, the conversations surrounding what it means to turn eighteen may not happen or if they do, they can be fueled with intensity. 

It's worth reflecting on what happens in that transition early and often..

Think about it. An 18-year old moves from being treated as a minor to an adult.  They gain voting rights, the ability to volunteer for the military or be drafted, for that matter.  At age 18, people can enter into a legally binding contract, sue or be sued, make decisions regarding their body and healthcare, and are able to vote.  However, Colorado law highlights that young people age 18 are subject to parents rules while at home. It's a hard pill to swallow when you've gained all sorts of freedoms in a day.

For that reason, talking about what changes are going to happen when youth turn eighteen is worth the time and effort.  Expectations on what turning eighteen may look drastically different from the parents’ perspective versus what turning eighteen will look like from the teen perspective.   Which is why it’s a good idea to start having these conversations well before the 18th birthday. 

For parents, it’s worthwhile to consider what your transition to age eighteen looked like.  Depending on the person, they turned age eighteen after they had already left for college, some people had an amicable relationship with their parents and they moved into their early twenties without a hitch.  While for others, they separated from their families well before their 18th birthday and were on a fast track towards independence while still in adolescence.  It’s worthwhile considering that many 18-year old’s want to be treated as an adult and get support for the decisions that they are making and as parents, you are able to think what you’re able (and willing) to support. 

For parents, some questions worth considering:

-       What responsibilities do you expect your 18 year-old to take on?

-       Are you expecting your 18-year old to: pay for any of their expenses, pay rent, abide by curfew, take on any new chores/responsibilities

-       What are the house rules that you would expect for another adult living in the house?

-       What support do you see your 18-year old needing to be successful? What support are they willing to accept?

For teens, it’s worth thinking about:

-       What do you expect to do when you turn 18 that you aren’t allowed at 17?

-       Is there anything you’re wanting to change in your relationship with your parents after you turn 18?

-       What do you need to be successful in this next phase in life (a job, vocational help, more college, emotional support)?

-       What help are you willing to receive from your parents or the other mentors in your life?

For parents and teens, working on your communication and relationship before the transition to age eighteen is a bridge for your relationship to flourish into adulthood. Parents, sharing your appreciation for how your teen has grown, spotting their strengths, sharing your hobbies and interests with them, and expressing your love and and care can be a lifesaver as teens are navigating a new world.

For those that are needing help navigating these conversations, getting professional help with licensed professional counselors or other mental health professionals can be key.   

 Here are some resources for teens and adults to think about:

Colorado Law on Youth Turning 18

California Bar Association: When You turn 18